Rainey Blogs on Some Days

When you know it is your last day on earth, what is one supposed to do? Here's how I spent my (supposed) last day on Saturday, May 21, 2011. 8:30 a.m.—Got up three hours later than usual today. Should have gotten up early since it is supposed to be my last day on earth. What was I thinking, wasting all of that time sleeping? 9:45 a.m.—Ate Honey Nut Chex cereal for breakfast. Wanted waffles, but my wife wanted me to help her get out the patio furniture for the summer. I acquiesce, even though it is our last day on earth and we should let someone else worry about the furniture. We end up working over an hour, with my wife then using my saw to prune the bushes like a mad woman. (She tried to take out the chainsaw, but I didn't want her to do something risky and not make it to 6:00 p.m.) Some last day together. 11:00 a.m.—Rode my bicycle to the hardware store for WD-40 lubricant to help fix the grill. Thought I might sneak in one last cheeseburger before 6:00 p.m. hits...

The Obama Administration has come up with new guidelines for the treatment of enemy combatants and detainees after stumbling across an unusual method that has proved quite effecting in eliciting confessions from prisoners. The method: prolonged exposure to contemporary Christian worship music. After the various methods used at Abu Ghraib gained public attention followed by the purported use of “enhanced interrogation techniques” that lead to the killing of Osama Bin Laden, the Department of Defense researched kinder, gentler alternative approaches to replace highly effective methods such as waterboarding, electric shocks, and sleep deprivation. Preliminary results with Christian worship music have been encouraging. A Department of Defense official who spoke on the condition of anonymity said the U.S. is pleased with the new method because it is considered humane, yet 90% of detainees offer full confessions within a few hours of the new form of “torture.” “Most of the techniques in the ...

To the tune of Purple Rain by Prince I never meant to cause you any sorrow I never meant to cause you any pain I only wanted to one time see you eating I only wanted to see you eating a big Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe I only wanted to see you with a big old Sloppy Joe I never wanted to be your weekend sandwich I wanted you each day with some kind of fries Baby I could never choose to eat another It's such a shame my cholesterol had to rise Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe I only wanted to see you eating a big Sloppy Joe Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing It's time we all reach out for something new That means you too You say you’re thinking vegan But you can't seem to make up your mind I think you better close it And let me guide you to a Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe If you know what I'm singing about up here C'mon...

My daughter dictated this little essay to me just before her second birthday based on her experiences being a third child. I’m almost two now, but I’ve already learned a thing or two. Like I don’t like to sleep alone. Yeah, parents nowadays try to break children but mine couldn’t break me. Started out with my own crib as most babies do, but that was really more like being in prison. Those wooden slats--of course my parents were too cheap to get me my own new crib, so I had to use my sisters' old, dangerous drop-side crib--were just like prison bars to me, keeping Mommy and Daddy beyond my reach. So as soon as I could, I showed them I could climb out. Of course, when you’re less than one year old, you’d think a parent would be there to catch you. Boy, was I ever wrong. My Mommy and Daddy were both in the room, yet I managed to do a half flip and land on the back of my head. My Daddy, who was closest, just stood there and watched. It was then that I realized my first big lesson in l...

Anton Chekhov , the great Russian playwright, said, "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." A couple of years ago, my oldest daughter took her written driving test at the Lodi Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) after a harrowing trip from our house to get there. We left home at 7:25am. Our goal was to leave at 7:15am. It was my fault because even the slightest variation to my daily routine completely throws me off, even though we were planning to leave even later than I normally do when I go to work. We were still OK leaving a little late because we needed to meet the driving instructor at 7:45am, but the trip to Lodi from Leonia should have only taken about 20 minutes on a normal day. But when we got on Route 46 West not far from our house, we immediately ran into a complete closure near the Pathmark in Fort Lee. I managed to get to the shoulder, exit into the Pathmark parking lot and hurry through sides streets in Pal Park so we cou...

Ash Wednesday . I got up in the morning and decided to fast until dinner after reading that this was the practice of earlier Christians. Since I'm quite conscious of Muslims now and know they fast for Ramadan from sunrise to sundown, I figured it was the least I could do for Ash Wednesday was to fast for one day. On the way to work, in the spirit of the practice I did know about Lent —giving up something during those forty days as a form of self-sacrifice—I randomly decided to give up listening to the radio on my commute to work in the morning. This would mostly knock out National Public Radio . (How was I supposed to know the Japanese earthquake and tsunami would hit right after and the temptation to find out what was happening would be too great to overcome?) But on that first Wednesday, I completed the readings and prayer of repentance. On the way to work I listed to a tape—yes, that's an actual tape. My car has a tape player!--of the Bible and thought about going to an As...

News reports the other day indicated that Gabrielle Giffords spoke for the first time since the shooting and asked for toast. I am happy for her, but this news is also upsetting to me. These amazing recoveries make me think about my mom's head injury and the choices I made on her behalf. Choices that did not lead to a miraculous recovery, but ended in her death on her fifth day in neuro ICU at Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis just over ten years ago. She had gotten knocked to the pavement accidentally getting out of a friend's car to go to work at the Sally's Beauty Supply in my hometown. She was air-lifted to St. Louis while they were trying to reach me at work. But I had gone at lunchtime to a public library, where I was writing an introduction to a lesson about the book of Job. One moment is was writing about Job . The next moment I was Job, wondering why life had sucker-punched me. With my mom's non-recovery, I find it often bothers me when people do recover, p...