He wears a hoodie, and this is why wearing a hoodie is wrong. Point of clarification: I'm talking about wearing hoodies and actually putting the hood up on your head. This is the point where it crosses the line. You don't have to agree with me, but this is how I see it. So if you're driving a car with a hoodie on, hood over your noggin', I'll think you're planning to do something illegal and the hood will conceal your identity. Wearing a hood while you walk down the street? Got my eye on you, even though I've noticed people wearing hoodies will not make eye contact with me. Is it 90 degrees outside? You're wearing a hoodie with the hood up in that weather? You are obviously up to no good because a hood holds heat in and in that kind of weather, it's cooking your brain and making your skin oily, which causes pimples. Yuck. But I digress from my main point: wearing a hoodie with the hood up is oh-so-wrong! Know how I know? Like I said: The Devil doesn't wear Prada, he wears a hoodie.
Did you see The Passion of the Christ? Who was there in the crowd? That's right—El Diablo. What was he wearing? Uh huh, a hood draped over his head! Did you see the The Bible miniseries on The History Channel recently? You know, the production by Reality TV pioneer Mark Burnett and his wife, Roma Downey of Touched by An Angel? Did you see old Slewfoot in that series? I did, with a pasty-looking face and a hood on his gourd! I guess Satan himself finally realized, probably from focus groups or his marketing department, that he really needed to cover up those horns to reach more people. Enter the hooded one!
So you want to counter my argument and say, “Well, Mark Zuckerberg wears a hoodie, and he's the founder of Facebook and a billionaire?” Good point, but you are playing right into my argument. Mark Zuckerberg obviously works for The Devil and may actually be The Devil. That's how The Devil works, masquerading as something good, and no one would have ever suspected that a red-headed guy from Dobbs Ferry, New York would be The Devil himself. But he couldn't help wearing the hoodie with the hood up, and that gives away his true identity as an associate of you know who. My recommendation: lose the hoodie and show us there's no horns under there!
And if you're a girl, you might want to read an earlier post about the dangers of big hoop earrings in Confessions of a Girl Wearing Big Hoop Earrings. If you see a girl wearing a hoodie with the hood up and big hoop earrings sticking out, run! Danger is imminent.