An Account of My (Supposed) Last Day on Earth

When you know it is your last day on earth, what is one supposed to do? Here's how I spent my (supposed) last day on Saturday, May 21, 2011.

8:30 a.m.—Got up three hours later than usual today. Should have gotten up early since it is supposed to be my last day on earth. What was I thinking, wasting all of that time sleeping?

9:45 a.m.—Ate Honey Nut Chex cereal for breakfast. Wanted waffles, but my wife wanted me to help her get out the patio furniture for the summer. I acquiesce, even though it is our last day on earth and we should let someone else worry about the furniture. We end up working over an hour, with my wife then using my saw to prune the bushes like a mad woman. (She tried to take out the chainsaw, but I didn't want her to do something risky and not make it to 6:00 p.m.) Some last day together.

11:00 a.m.—Rode my bicycle to the hardware store for WD-40 lubricant to help fix the grill. Thought I might sneak in one last cheeseburger before 6:00 p.m. hits and I'm gone. Bought the cheap hardware-store brand lubricant since I'll only need it for today. Picked up a library book that I had reserved at the library, forgetting that I would only have a few hours to read it.

12:00 p.m. Eat cheese quesadillas for lunch. Not really a "last day on earth" worthy meal, but my wife doesn't really want to cook. I can't let go of frugality, even on my last day on earth, so I don't offer to take everyone out to a restaurant.

2:00 p.m. Take youngest daughter to her softball game. Even though it is the last game and I shouldn't worry about pre-game warm-ups or batting practice, I can't help myself. I pitch batting practice to the entire team and get other parents to do drills with those standing around in the field. We lose badly anyway. This shouldn't upset me because it is only a team of little girls who don't really care on our last day on earth, but I am still upset about it. Should be enjoying my last day on earth more.

5:45 p.m. Get back from the game and Marcia has burgers ready for the grill, but I have only 15 minutes to get everything done before 6:00 p.m. comes and I go airborne. Looks like I'll be cooking cheeseburgers when the end comes rather than eating them, especially since I am not a fast griller. I like to take my time, listen to NPR, sit in the chair outside, and look at the sky.

6:00 p.m. My wife opens the back door and yells to me that Kim, a friend who stopped by with her daughter, is gone! (I have no idea that she's joking. I've gotten lost in cooking the cheeseburgers and forgotten about the end of the world.)

6:15 p.m. Burgers take a long time since grill doesn't heat up too well. Apparently I will get to eat cheeseburgers after all since we're all still here. My wife keeps coming to the back door to see if the burgers are done.

8:00 p.m. Go on a date with my wife. Take a walk along the Hudson River, although it's a bit gray and foggy. Not really suitable for the end of the world. Go to a Greek restaurant and have baklava and Greek coffee. Pretty good day after all, considering it was supposed to be the end of the world. Guess I'll go to church tomorrow and see if anyone is missing.

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