The Obama Administration has come up with new guidelines for the treatment of enemy combatants and detainees after stumbling across an unusual method that has proved quite effecting in eliciting confessions from prisoners. The method: prolonged exposure to contemporary Christian worship music. After the various methods used at Abu Ghraib gained public attention followed by the purported use of “enhanced interrogation techniques” that lead to the killing of Osama Bin Laden, the Department of Defense researched kinder, gentler alternative approaches to replace highly effective methods such as waterboarding, electric shocks, and sleep deprivation. Preliminary results with Christian worship music have been encouraging. A Department of Defense official who spoke on the condition of anonymity said the U.S. is pleased with the new method because it is considered humane, yet 90% of detainees offer full confessions within a few hours of the new form of “torture.” “Most of the techniques in the past were controversial, even when effective. But we find most Muslim detainees, within three hours, are curled up in a fetal position, screaming 'No more, no more!' when we play the Christian worship music. It is utterly amazing,” the official said.
In the past, the U.S. Military had often used Rock music to attempt to force enemies to surrender, but only succeeded once, causing General Manuel Noriega of Panama to emerge from his compound with his hands in the air crying after hearing Twisted Sister's “We're Not Gonna Take It” played 129 consecutive times. Yet, Christian worship music has been far more effective than Rock music was.“Besides, we have not heard as much wailing and howling even using electric shocks as we have had with the Christian music,” said an anonymous high-level CIA operative with knowledge of interrogation techniques.
Military support staff also require the detainees to stand up during the entire time the Christian worship songs are playing, just as is done in American Christian worship services. “We also tried giving the detainees hymnbooks, but the effect just wasn't the same. In fact, most detainees seemed to enjoy singing hymns. But when we took the hymnbooks away and played only Christian worship songs with the words displayed on PowerPoint slides, they immediately became agitated. Many of the men even fell on the floor facing Mecca and prayed to Allah to bring back the 'little books' as they called them,” said Staff Sergeant Winston Combs, who just recently finished a tour at Guantanamo Bay. “But we would just tap them with the poles of our “Lion of Judah” banners to have them get up again. They would scream and say, 'Please stop!' I couldn't believe it.”
An official announcement from the Obama administration is expected soon.