Strangely, Mark McGwire's confession to using steroids when he broke the home run record sounded very similar to mine.
"Now that I have become a blogger, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do nearly thirty years ago. I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and confirm what people suspected. I used performance-enhancing coffee during my years at J.L. Buford elementary school, Casey Junior High, and Mount Vernon Township High school. I remember getting up and having a couple of cups of coffee and reading the newspaper while I was in fifth grade, a pattern that continued throughout junior high and high school. Not only did I drink coffee, but I also had cream and sugar. And many of you will remember that my grades shot up in fifth grade to straight A's after I previously had been a mediocre student. I also tried out for the basketball team and made it the next year, even though I could only jump two inches off of the ground.
I wish I had never touched coffee with cream and sugar. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had not grown up during the coffee era, when the best part of waking up was Folgers in my cup. I lived for Maxwell moments. During my early years, I was such a slow mover in the morning. I struggled in my classes until I would finally feel awake sometime after lunch, even though I ate school-cafeteria lunches (I was too sleepy to fix my lunch in the morning, plus we didn't have microwaves!) Those were a miserable bunch of years, a school-age boy who just couldn't get up and going in the morning. I told myself that coffee with cream and sugar would help me recover faster from sleep. I'm sure people wonder if I would have been an honor roll student and graduated 27 out of 396 at Mount Vernon Township High School if I had not been drinking coffee. I had good years when I was drinking coffee, and I had more good years when I was drinking coffee. People will also wonder if I would have even been able to lead the Mount Vernon Rams to a victory after the starting quarterback, Steve McCoy, stepped on a drain, twisted his ankle, and couldn't play against Herrin if it was not for coffee. I have to admit that I was ready to play that night because I remember having a cup of coffee with my fried chicken dinner at Opal's Smorgasbord during the pregame meal while McCoy had a 7-Up with lemon and drank it through one of those skinny stirring straws. I had a feeling that night that I needed to be ready, and I was right. We won 20-16 and I scored two touchdowns, which I assume will be expunged from the records books because of this confession.
So after all this time, I want to come clean. I'm sorry. I had an unfair advantage all of those years, which is one reason when I talked to people at the 25-year high school reunion that I just kept having to tell everyone, 'I'm not here to talk about the past, except for that one time when I installed a ceiling fan without incident.' Truth be known, I had loaded up on joe that day and could have never pulled off that rare household repair feat without coffee with cream and sugar. But I'm sure it came across as rude, and I apologize. I had this secret that was weighing on me. And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to work. I'm going to pour myself into this blog and be the best blogger I can be, at least on some days. And now I'll take questions . . ."
"Now that I have become a blogger, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do nearly thirty years ago. I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and confirm what people suspected. I used performance-enhancing coffee during my years at J.L. Buford elementary school, Casey Junior High, and Mount Vernon Township High school. I remember getting up and having a couple of cups of coffee and reading the newspaper while I was in fifth grade, a pattern that continued throughout junior high and high school. Not only did I drink coffee, but I also had cream and sugar. And many of you will remember that my grades shot up in fifth grade to straight A's after I previously had been a mediocre student. I also tried out for the basketball team and made it the next year, even though I could only jump two inches off of the ground.
I wish I had never touched coffee with cream and sugar. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had not grown up during the coffee era, when the best part of waking up was Folgers in my cup. I lived for Maxwell moments. During my early years, I was such a slow mover in the morning. I struggled in my classes until I would finally feel awake sometime after lunch, even though I ate school-cafeteria lunches (I was too sleepy to fix my lunch in the morning, plus we didn't have microwaves!) Those were a miserable bunch of years, a school-age boy who just couldn't get up and going in the morning. I told myself that coffee with cream and sugar would help me recover faster from sleep. I'm sure people wonder if I would have been an honor roll student and graduated 27 out of 396 at Mount Vernon Township High School if I had not been drinking coffee. I had good years when I was drinking coffee, and I had more good years when I was drinking coffee. People will also wonder if I would have even been able to lead the Mount Vernon Rams to a victory after the starting quarterback, Steve McCoy, stepped on a drain, twisted his ankle, and couldn't play against Herrin if it was not for coffee. I have to admit that I was ready to play that night because I remember having a cup of coffee with my fried chicken dinner at Opal's Smorgasbord during the pregame meal while McCoy had a 7-Up with lemon and drank it through one of those skinny stirring straws. I had a feeling that night that I needed to be ready, and I was right. We won 20-16 and I scored two touchdowns, which I assume will be expunged from the records books because of this confession.
So after all this time, I want to come clean. I'm sorry. I had an unfair advantage all of those years, which is one reason when I talked to people at the 25-year high school reunion that I just kept having to tell everyone, 'I'm not here to talk about the past, except for that one time when I installed a ceiling fan without incident.' Truth be known, I had loaded up on joe that day and could have never pulled off that rare household repair feat without coffee with cream and sugar. But I'm sure it came across as rude, and I apologize. I had this secret that was weighing on me. And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to work. I'm going to pour myself into this blog and be the best blogger I can be, at least on some days. And now I'll take questions . . ."