We used to go to the Jersey Shore at Long Branch to a place on the beach near the back of the Ocean Place Hotel, right on the ocean. It was odd having people on the beach kind of mixed up with the wedding attendees. We watched one wedding and I couldn't hear what they said, but imagine it must have gone something like this.
Man: Let me give you a hug. I've never seen you cry like this. You must be so happy!
Woman: Happy? Are you kidding? I just married your brother, and he didn't even tuck his shirt in. Can you believe it? On the biggest day of his life, your brother doesn't even tuck in his shirt!
Man: Well, it is a beach wedding. I think he thought casual was Okay.
Woman: And it was a button-down collar, but did you notice? He didn't even button down the collar! What an idiot! This is the worst day of my life. Untucked, unbuttoned . . . unbelievable. I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
Man: Well, I thought the wedding was beautiful.
Woman: And to top it off, he wore brown slacks and a light brown shirt. Brown! I mean, I can see wearing brown at a funeral or bar mitzvah or a 5th grade graduation, but a summer wedding at the beach in Long Branch, New Jersey! Brown!
Man: You know, I actually kind of like brown myself. But I can see your point about it being summer and all.
Woman: And then the minister . . . I couldn't believe his hair. He had those few long gray strands combed over the top and they were blowing wildly all over the place! I couldn't even look at him! You would think that for a wedding he could have at least put hair spray on it to keep it from blowing all over the place.
Man: That was a little distracting, I admit. At one point, it looked like his hair was doing the Electric Slide. But that's what makes a beach wedding fun--you're up against the forces of nature, which is both exciting and unpredictable.
Woman: (Trying to regain composure) And then I heard people start talking loudly during the ceremony. During my wedding ceremony! I was so upset that I looked up into the sky to pray. Then I saw an airplane pulling a banner behind it that said, "Wayne Newton, Atlantic City, July 5.” I think people were actually talking about going to a Wayne Newton concert! The NERVE of them. This is the worst day of my life.
Man: I went to a Wayne Newton concert once. What a performer! And you know what, I don't think he tucked his shirt in. (I hope she doesn't find out I'm making up this part about Wayne Newton's shirt.) Isn't that a coincidence?
Woman: I hate Wayne Newton. He's got that died black hair and that thin little mustache. He looks so phony!
Man: Okay, I'd better tell you something. I think you should go talk to my brother. He hired the plane to pull that banner during the wedding—he's taking you to Atlantic City tomorrow to see Wayne Newton for your honeymoon. He thought it would be a clever way to let you know.
Woman: You have got to be kidding. He's taking me to see WAYNE NEWTON! Where did he get a stupid idea like that for a honeymoon?
Man: Well, he asked me, and I told him you can't go wrong with Wayne Newton.
Woman: Oh great! Well at least now I know this is not the worst day of my life. TOMORROW WILL BE!
Copyright 2009 by Chris Rainey
Man: Let me give you a hug. I've never seen you cry like this. You must be so happy!
Woman: Happy? Are you kidding? I just married your brother, and he didn't even tuck his shirt in. Can you believe it? On the biggest day of his life, your brother doesn't even tuck in his shirt!
Man: Well, it is a beach wedding. I think he thought casual was Okay.
Woman: And it was a button-down collar, but did you notice? He didn't even button down the collar! What an idiot! This is the worst day of my life. Untucked, unbuttoned . . . unbelievable. I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
Man: Well, I thought the wedding was beautiful.
Woman: And to top it off, he wore brown slacks and a light brown shirt. Brown! I mean, I can see wearing brown at a funeral or bar mitzvah or a 5th grade graduation, but a summer wedding at the beach in Long Branch, New Jersey! Brown!
Man: You know, I actually kind of like brown myself. But I can see your point about it being summer and all.
Woman: And then the minister . . . I couldn't believe his hair. He had those few long gray strands combed over the top and they were blowing wildly all over the place! I couldn't even look at him! You would think that for a wedding he could have at least put hair spray on it to keep it from blowing all over the place.
Man: That was a little distracting, I admit. At one point, it looked like his hair was doing the Electric Slide. But that's what makes a beach wedding fun--you're up against the forces of nature, which is both exciting and unpredictable.
Woman: (Trying to regain composure) And then I heard people start talking loudly during the ceremony. During my wedding ceremony! I was so upset that I looked up into the sky to pray. Then I saw an airplane pulling a banner behind it that said, "Wayne Newton, Atlantic City, July 5.” I think people were actually talking about going to a Wayne Newton concert! The NERVE of them. This is the worst day of my life.
Man: I went to a Wayne Newton concert once. What a performer! And you know what, I don't think he tucked his shirt in. (I hope she doesn't find out I'm making up this part about Wayne Newton's shirt.) Isn't that a coincidence?
Woman: I hate Wayne Newton. He's got that died black hair and that thin little mustache. He looks so phony!
Man: Okay, I'd better tell you something. I think you should go talk to my brother. He hired the plane to pull that banner during the wedding—he's taking you to Atlantic City tomorrow to see Wayne Newton for your honeymoon. He thought it would be a clever way to let you know.
Woman: You have got to be kidding. He's taking me to see WAYNE NEWTON! Where did he get a stupid idea like that for a honeymoon?
Man: Well, he asked me, and I told him you can't go wrong with Wayne Newton.
Woman: Oh great! Well at least now I know this is not the worst day of my life. TOMORROW WILL BE!
Copyright 2009 by Chris Rainey