Rainey Blogs on Some Days

When you know it is your last day on earth, what is one supposed to do? Here's how I spent my (supposed) last day on Saturday, May 21, 2011. 8:30 a.m.—Got up three hours later than usual today. Should have gotten up early since it is supposed to be my last day on earth. What was I thinking, wasting all of that time sleeping? 9:45 a.m.—Ate Honey Nut Chex cereal for breakfast. Wanted waffles, but my wife wanted me to help her get out the patio furniture for the summer. I acquiesce, even though it is our last day on earth and we should let someone else worry about the furniture. We end up working over an hour, with my wife then using my saw to prune the bushes like a mad woman. (She tried to take out the chainsaw, but I didn't want her to do something risky and not make it to 6:00 p.m.) Some last day together. 11:00 a.m.—Rode my bicycle to the hardware store for WD-40 lubricant to help fix the grill. Thought I might sneak in one last cheeseburger before 6:00 p.m. hits...

The Obama Administration has come up with new guidelines for the treatment of enemy combatants and detainees after stumbling across an unusual method that has proved quite effecting in eliciting confessions from prisoners. The method: prolonged exposure to contemporary Christian worship music. After the various methods used at Abu Ghraib gained public attention followed by the purported use of “enhanced interrogation techniques” that lead to the killing of Osama Bin Laden, the Department of Defense researched kinder, gentler alternative approaches to replace highly effective methods such as waterboarding, electric shocks, and sleep deprivation. Preliminary results with Christian worship music have been encouraging. A Department of Defense official who spoke on the condition of anonymity said the U.S. is pleased with the new method because it is considered humane, yet 90% of detainees offer full confessions within a few hours of the new form of “torture.” “Most of the techniques in the ...

To the tune of Purple Rain by Prince I never meant to cause you any sorrow I never meant to cause you any pain I only wanted to one time see you eating I only wanted to see you eating a big Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe I only wanted to see you with a big old Sloppy Joe I never wanted to be your weekend sandwich I wanted you each day with some kind of fries Baby I could never choose to eat another It's such a shame my cholesterol had to rise Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe I only wanted to see you eating a big Sloppy Joe Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing It's time we all reach out for something new That means you too You say you’re thinking vegan But you can't seem to make up your mind I think you better close it And let me guide you to a Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe Sloppy Joe If you know what I'm singing about up here C'mon...